#20

Dear Apostles,

The surprise birthday/Christmas party for Jesus got all messed up because he knew about it, since he’s the Son of God and all.

Love,
Peter

PS- Sorry, no stripper this year, on account of the 10 commandments.

#19

Dear Apostles,

That sounds so weird the more you say it. Apostles. Apooooossstleees. A-post-tles. That’s so weird!

Love,
Peter

PS- Sorry, I’ve been licking leftover frogs that came down from the sky in that one plague again.

#18

Dear Apostles,

Jesus was hilarious the other day! He’s all: ‘Don’t be fooled by the flock that I got! I’m still I’m still Jesus from the block!’ It was a riot.

Love,
Peter

PS- My name is Peter and I’m here to say that I like not sinning in a major way! See, it’s not funny when I do it. Nuts.

#17

Dear Apostles,

Hey guys, what's up with Jesus lately? He's gotten really preachy, he's turning everything into wine, and what's with that beard he grew? I mean, it used to be all about the music.

Love,

Peter

PS- Judas, you’ll be playing the accordion from now on, and Paul will move to the Bass.

#16

Dear Apostles,

These robes of ours stink. I mean, come on, where are we supposed to put our wallets? James, no lewd comments, please.

Peter

PS- How about Capri pants? Should we get Capri pants? Jams?

#15

Dear Apostles,

Oh man, fellows, I got a wicked sunburn at the beach! I wish there were someone who could heal it with the power of the Lord. Oh wait- score!

Peter

PS- Judas, you can be a real jerk sometimes, kicking over everyone’s sandtemples the way you did. Grow up! Geez, one might think you were a heathen.

#14

Dear Apostles,

I found a loophole—we can spread the good word…at the BEACH! Last one on the camel’s a rotten egg!

Peter

PS- No banana hammocks. (I’m looking at you, Paul!)

#13

Dear Apostles,

I was looking at my notes the other day, and it occurred to me that that fourth Wise Man should be stricken from the historical record. What was he doing bringing Pogs to the son of God, for Pete’s sake?

Peter

PS- Oh wait, I’m Pete. I mean for Christ’s sake. Oh wait…

#12

Dear Apostles,

If Judas gets hammered on wine at the Wedding at Cana this weekend, please remember to be responsible take his Camel reins away from him. Apostles don’t let Apostles ride drunk. Also, don’t let Judas have you killed for money. Kidding, kidding.

Peter

PS- I have no idea what the relevance of that killing for money joke was. Oh well, perhaps it’s relevance will be proven at a later date.

#11

Dear Apostles,

I tried to tell Jesus that that commandment about coveting your neighbor’s wife was gay, and he got all bent out of shape. Who do you think he is?!

Peter

PS- My belt is made of rope. This is ridiculous.

#10

Dear Apostles,

You may already have won 10,000 sheckles!

Love,

Peter

PS- I had you going there, eh fellows? Eh?

#9

Dear Apostles,

Bartholomew, you owe me 4 sheep and 3 fishes. I asked Jesus and he said Lucifer did too get fired from heaven before he became Satan.

Love,

Peter

PS- In your face!

#8

Dear Apostles,

George is out of the Apostles. Now there will only be 12, which makes things easier for the poker tournament I guess.

Love,

Peter

PS What’s the deal with vegetarians? I mean, we all fish, even Jesus fishes!

#7

Dear Apostles,

There will be an artist at supper this evening, so make sure to look your best. Oh yeah, Jesus says everyone has to sit on the one side of the table. Also, he said after we do a serious one we could do a funny face one! (No bunny ears. I’m looking at you Judas!)

Love,

Peter

PS- I made a quiche!

#6

Dear Apostles,

You guys, Jesus just totally made it so this blind guy could see! It was killer! I’m going to see if he can make my wife skinny.

Love,

Peter

PS-That Pilate guy is a real dick. I sense trouble.

#5

Dear Apostles,

I don’t usually send these things, but I had a feeling about this one. I heard a guy didn’t send copies to 10 of his friends, and then he became a leper! Also, another guy didn’t do it and then he was banished from Eden! So make 10 copies of this on stone tablets and give them to the guy with the donkey to deliver.

Love,

Peter

PS-I got a stone tablet from Jesus; he’s having an awesome vacation in Galacia.

#4

Dear Apostles,

Man, I lost the farm on Goliath.

Love,

Peter

PS- When does Jesus get back from vacation? I need him to turn some of this water into wine so I can drink this off.

#3

Dear Apostles,

You guys, we should leave early to get good seats for David vs Goliath. It’s going to rule! We may have to take separate camels, since there are 12 of us. Either way, we can use the Camel Pool lane.

Love,

Peter

PS- Judas, I lent you my "50 hottest women of the Bible" scroll back in like 23 AD, what is the deal?

PPS: And don't return it with the parchment all stuck together like last year's issue! We all know you have a thing for Mary Magdaline.

#2

Dear Apostles,
Jesus walked across my swimming pool yesterday. It was so awesome!
Love,
Peter
PS- I heard sandals are out. Is this true?

#1

Dear Apostles,
How was your weekend? It sure is hot. Tell Jesus hey.
Love,
Peter
PS- I hate hippies.